Compared to other addictions such as chemical dependency or eating disorders, sex addiction is still somewhat of a mystery. There’s less talk about the topic, less understanding and less support, often because the topic makes us uncomfortable. Even more forgotten is the partner of a sex addict.

When someone discovers a spouse or partner is battling a sex addiction, the first question they often ask is should they stay or should they leave? (Counselors often advise waiting six months before making any permanent decisions to see if the partner’s sex addiction can be treated.) The level of betrayal is often so deep that those around the betrayed partner just want to help sooth the pain. What they really need at that point, though, is help figuring out what it means and where to go next.

Wrongful Diagnosis

In the past, there hasn’t been much help at all for partners of sex addicts. The help they did get was often directed at examining their role in choosing this type of partner, therefore putting blame on the victim. Partners are further victimized when they attend counseling as a couple and find themselves blamed for the partner’s disorder (“she’s overweight, she’s a nag, can you blame me for seeking out others?”).

It’s no wonder so many people at support groups for family and loved ones of those dealing with addiction will often say, “I don’t like the person I’ve become as a result of a loved one’s addiction.” Some act out by developing addictions of their own. They become compulsive shoppers as a way of retribution against the offending partner or they have affairs of their own.

We’re making progress, but we need to do a lot more to address the unique issues that sex addiction brings up for the partner in those relationships in order to ensure lasting recovery and healing for all.

Overcoming addiction usually means sobriety. But for recovering sex addicts, sobriety rarely means celibacy as the long-term goal.

Sex addiction occurs when sexual behavior is compulsive and uncontrollable, and when it continues despite negative consequences and damage to relationships, others and the addict. This includes excessive engagement with cybersex, pornography, prostitution, sex with minors, unhealthy sexual activities, masturbation, S&M or other similar sexual behaviors.

Process Addictions vs. Chemical Addictions

Unlike chemical addictions where the goal is to completely cut out the harmful substance, process addictions often include an action or process that can be healthy or even necessary in regular use but only becomes unhealthy when abused (food, shopping and sex addictions are all good examples of this). Just as the goal for a shopaholic isn’t to quit purchasing items forever, sex addicts aren’t expected to completely cut out sex from their lives.

Instead, the goals, as outlined by Sex Addicts Anonymous, are “to become sexually healthy and to help other sex addicts achieve freedom from compulsive sexual behavior.”

“Most professionals believe that sex addicts can lead healthy, normal lives with appropriate treatment,” reports the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health. However, they also note that as with other compulsive behaviors, many experts believe that sex addicts are never cured. Recovering addicts will need to maintain healthy boundaries and monitor sexual fantasies and behaviors.

In other words, recovery is an ongoing process, just as with any other addiction.